my testimony/ how I was called to the mission field.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t always this way in my life. During my years of Middle School things started to happen. I started losing friends, getting into arguements, my grades dropped, and nobody understood anything. it was a very difficult time in my life and felt isolated and alone because I had forgotten about that joy that was supposed to get me through it. At Church I became a completely fake, at home I put on that same Christian mask, at school I was a loner and I became very passive agressive towards everyone, and in my private life I did many unmentionable and shameful things. I was deppresed and I just wanted someone to tell me I was good. I just wanted to be told I was loved. I just wanted to know I had a friend. I just wanted to be told I was important. but no one ever let me know that so I felt completely worthless especially after one of my old friends attempted suicide twice in one year. I felt like it was my fault and I wanted to apologize to her and talk to her, but I never got a chance to see her after that. I never heard from her and never heard anything more about her, it was like she dissappeared off the face of the earth. after that I felt even more deppresed and worthless and I just wanted to die. One night I was sitting in my room holding the sharpest object I could find to my wrist and I was begging God to just kill me right there. I didn’t cry because I didn’t want anyone to find out what I was doing and I didn’t want to lose any of the dignity I had left, but I was angry alright. I was angry at God yelling at him and telling him how dumb he was to create me, I told it was a mistake, and I begged him to kill me or I would do it myself. At one point I glanced over and saw a ticket to a Christian concert I was going to be going to with my youth group that very next day. angrily, i looked up at the ceiling and dropped what I held in my hand and said “God if your real, if you are really real and you want me here. show me there or I’m dead tommorow.” I put my head in my hands and rocked myself to sleep. I wanted to cry but, again, I wouldn’t because I didn’t want to lose the one thing I had left, strength. I know now that crying is about the strongest thing that you can do at momments like this but not then. so I went to the concert that evening angry as ever, but I put on my Christian mask and put on a Christian show for all to see. When the band Seventh Day Slumber came up to play, Joe, the lead vocalist, shared his testimony with everyone. he told about how he had been in a similar state to mine. I was completely shocked and it was a that momment that I cried for the first time in a long time and with hands held high I reddedicated my life to Christ. again I felt the passion and the joy that I felt in that kindergarten classroom and I remembered that day once again. I didn’t tell anyone about it because I couldn’t bare to tell them how fake I had been, and most people still don’t know about it to this day. its a difficult thing for me to share but I do it anyway because I know it can help other people struggling with the same thoughts. God has healed me, but I still struggled with it at times still. At those times when I feel worthless I have grown accustomed to turning to the book of Joshua for encouragement and strength. There were times that I didn’t though and it was those times that I failed over and over and over again until God finally got my attention back of Him. Then, in the summer before my Freshman year I went on a missions trip to Nashville, Tennesee. it was all quite amazing, but the one thing that will always stick out to me is that one night at chapel when I made a vow towards a lifetime of ministry. I cried just thinking about all the people who were hurting like I had been and worser yet and I wanted to help them with all I had as the speaker told us how we could help. she told us that we had to promise to ourselves and promise to God that we would live a life dedicated to Him and dedicated to ministry. At the end she told anyone who wanted to dedicate themselves to vocational ministry to go to one side and people who wanted to be ministers in the common workplace to go to the other. I didn’t want to stand up in front of all those people, but God almost litterally pushed me right on up there to the side for vocational ministers. With tears in my eyes I prayed and I prayed hard for the lost and the broken everywhere in the world and i told God that no matter what happened I WOULD GO and do His will wherever He wanted me to be. I don’t know exactly where in the world He wanted me but I had and have a very special place in my heart for Africa. So, that very next summer I signed up for a missions trip to Uganda. I could spend forever talking about what God showed me during that trip especially towards my call to the mission field. it was an absolutely AMAZING trip and a month after I came back another missions organization for vocational missionaries led me to AIM where I found this Uganda trip and signed up without hesitation. I can’t wait to see what God is going to do through us all this time. its going to be such a wonderful experience.

much Love everyone!!! =)